The Essential Nature of Understanding

When was the last time you experienced someone solely focused on understanding you and your view of the world - your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perspectives, background and experiences – without fearing judgment, bias, or rejection?

I sometimes ask this when coaching because it helps explain what I do as a coach. Those I ask are most likely to pause and ponder the question. Sadly, most of those I ask can't remember an occasion.

On the flip side, many people I coach think they understand others until I challenge them by asking probing questions that often surface their lack of understanding.

And there is another level of understanding that impacts both our understanding of others and their understanding of us – our understanding of ourselves, or lack thereof.

Based on my experience, the issues of people failing to understand themselves and others and not being understood surface, to differing degrees, almost every time I coach someone.

Why?

While most everyone wants to be understood, fewer seem to understand others fully. Even fewer will consider and accept that they may lack understanding of themselves.

Please consider the following examples -

When we fail to understand others -

• We are all unique in our perspectives, points of view, backgrounds, and experiences, and sometimes, we fail to see things from the perspective of others. At the same time, we may falsely assume others see things as we do or make inaccurate assumptions regarding the views of others.
• Sometimes, we don't listen, ask questions, or seek clarification or more information due to a lack of self-awareness of the need.
• We sometimes fail to listen to others because we are preoccupied or thinking of what we want to say next.
• Or it may be that a person is in survival mode, living under constant stress, where looking out for themselves overrides consideration of others.
• Some are "bottom line" or "get to the point" people and are easily frustrated with those who must tell a whole story before getting to the point. I have certainly been guilty of this one in the past.
• Some believe that their preference for being understood precedes any need to understand others.
• While it may be hard to accept, some people don't care what others think. Think of authoritarian "command and control" types or those that lean toward narcissism.

When we fail to be understood by others -

• Some people won't listen or seek to understand us, which is one side of the coin.
• Our failure to listen and seek to understand others is the other side of the coin.
• We may fail to adequately communicate information or our thoughts, feelings, perspectives or points of view, which limits understanding.
• Sometimes, people are hesitant or even fearful to express their thoughts or feelings.
• Some self-isolate, either mentally or physically, and their lack of accessibility makes understanding impossible.
• We may also confuse and frustrate others and ourselves when our actions and words don't match, creating misunderstandings and conflict.

When we fail to understand ourselves -

• When we lack self-awareness, we lack the ability to understand ourselves.
• We fail to grasp reality when we suffer from distorted thinking or negative thought patterns.
• We may have difficulty opening up to or trusting others when we have unresolved woundedness.
• We may engage in self-sabotaging thought processes or behaviors when we acquire self-limiting beliefs.
• When we have hectic schedules that elevate stress and overwhelm us, it is doubtful we have the time or capacity to understand ourselves, much less someone else.

According to Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People -

"If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

What would the world be like if everyone followed this principle?

Most would likely respond, "That's impossible!"

And I would have to agree. Human nature doesn't appear to allow for that in the aggregate. All I have to do is look around as a lack of "seeking to understand" seems to dominate the landscape.

But to be fair, I have known and experienced people who respectfully listen to and seek understanding of the thoughts or perspectives of others. Unfortunately, these people appear to be in the minority and are frequently overshadowed by those who don't.

And there are times when people take a stand on non-negotiable issues or beliefs, where the opposing sides become so polarized that mutual understanding is hard to achieve.

But, what happens to the possibility if the scope is narrowed to considering only individuals in a relationship, in the family, or within their extended sphere of influence, such as their team, group, company or organization?

Can you envision it, then?

I can. And I believe it can transform relationships within our differing spheres of influence. The more it spreads, the greater the transformation.

The key is the first step - understanding before being understood. However, when some think their need to be understood takes precedence over seeking to understand others, it takes a bigger person to take this crucial first step.

Why?

Seeking first to understand can open the door to others understanding you, and some people lack the capacity to take the first step.

And those who struggle with the issues mentioned should consider coaching to help them overcome deterrents to understanding themselves while improving their listening and other communication skills, along with developing empathy.

Finally, when we seek to understand ourselves and others while acquiring or improving interpersonal and emotional intelligence skills, we become "people of understanding."

People of understanding are more accessible, knowledgeable and self-aware. They empathize and connect with others. They demonstrate humility by listening to and respecting others' perspectives. And they have the mental capacity for comprehension, discernment, and wisdom.

"Wise words come from the lips of people with understanding."

Proverbs 10:13