The Absence of Healthy Boundaries

If I asked you the following question, what would your answer be?
Are you solely responsible and accountable for your feelings, thinking and actions?

I think most of us would say “yes” – that, as adults, we are solely responsible for choosing how we feel, think and act. Or, from my perspective, we have free will to feel, think and act as we see fit. I would also think most of us would say we are accountable for the consequences of our choices.

However, while some agree they are responsible and accountable for their choices, the reality is far different. In certain circumstances or with certain people, whether knowingly or unknowingly, they tend to abandon responsibility for and relinquish ownership of their choices and even project blame onto others or their circumstances for the consequences of their choices.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself -

• Do you find it hard to say “no,” or are you a “people pleaser”?
• Do you feel uncomfortable, unfair, unkind, or even “mean” when having to correct, discipline, reprimand, or, in a business sense, “write up” someone?
• Do you frequently assume others’ responsibilities that they dump on you or feel guilty if you don’t?
• Do you feel powerless or feel a lack of control in certain situations or with certain people?
• Do you let people run over you, even when you are in charge?
• Overall, do you tend to blame, become frustrated with or even get angry with others for how you feel, think or act?

If you lean toward the “yes” in your answers, my guess is that you have yet to embrace the importance of boundaries.

According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, in their New York Times bestseller, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life,

“[Our] boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t.”

Therefore, if we fail to take ownership of ourselves, abdicating responsibility for our choices, we allow others to define us. We allow something or someone outside ourselves to determine who we are and how we feel, think and act. Consequently, we lose our sense of self – a diminished sense of our mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend go on to say,

“Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.”

So, if boundaries provide freedom, then considering the flip side from a psychological viewpoint - an absence of boundaries leads to subjugating our choices and surrendering our free will to the will and control of others.

Facing this reality may make some feel a bit squeamish. And it might also lead some to discount or deny the truth because of a flawed or distorted thought process engrained in their operating system.

Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend continue–

“We need to take responsibility for our choices. Our basic illusion [is] that we are not active agents in many of our dealings. We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel. We think someone else is in control, thus relieving us of our basic responsibility.”

My guess is that many people would be nodding in agreement. They get it – due to the influence, teaching and example of their parents or other significant people early in life, who instilled the need for and modeled healthy boundaries. Or maybe some learned by experience – meaning they learned it the hard way. Or some might have learned it like I did - by reading the book Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend over thirty years ago.

And if you are not nodding in agreement, you might be somewhat confused about or questioning the issue.

Again from Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend,

“Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with the consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.”

It may be tough to face, but you may be the problem! And sometimes your own worst enemy.

But think about it. You still have free will to choose even though you haven’t always exercised your right to it. And you can still assume responsibility for your choices, take back ownership of your life and change your outcomes by thinking, acting and interacting in your own best interests. I would also suggest that by doing so, in many cases, you will also be acting in the best interests of others, as described by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend -

“If you keep your boundaries, those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time instead of “other control,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change.”

So, how can coaching help?

Coaching can help you increase self-awareness and identify the areas where you lack healthy boundaries in your life. It can assist in overcoming distorted thinking and the stresses or issues they produce. It can also help identify roadblocks that stand in the way. And coaching can help you find the motivation and courage to take action and set healthy boundaries to regain control of your choices and life.

So, if you would like to regain control of your life, try coaching, or at the very least, try reading Boundaries. It certainly helped me.