Examine the Wake: The Crucial Connection between Words, Actions and Trust

Do you instinctively trust people?

Conversely, do you find it difficult to trust others, even those close to you?

At its core, this subject begs the question, "How does one determine another person's trustworthiness?"

From my perspective, the highest compliment I can offer a person is telling them I trust them. But it is not a blind or wishful trust; it is a trust that has been earned over time.

Early in my life, it became apparent that many say one thing and then do another.

Additionally, life taught me that I couldn't expect people to trust or believe in me if I did the same.

Further, because no one is perfect, I learned that people can also acknowledge and apologize for their inconsistencies, possibly reestablishing some level of trust, although likely diminished from its prior state.

While I do consider the opinions of those I trust, I prefer to "read" people myself, having learned that the views of others can sway your thinking unjustifiably in one direction or the other.

I found the primary basis of how I read people in the Bible -

"Just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions." -
Matthew 7:20 (NLT)

I learned that, while words are important, actions reveal more than words. And actions, like fruit on a tree, speak volumes about character, whether good or bad.

However, my first step in determining trustworthiness is examining whether a person's words align with their actions.

And in cases when words and actions don't match, experience has taught me to examine what's in the wake they leave behind in their lives.

Why?

It can shed further light on incongruities or inconsistencies and their differing degrees of impact.

Moreover, in the worst cases, you will likely discover the presence of toxic actions or behavior, such as lies, deceit, fabrications, manipulations, empty promises, broken commitments or breaches of contracts, that can have a profound and far-reaching impact, often resulting in fractured or destroyed relationships, marriages, families, and companies.

Regardless of the context - be it a personal relationship with an individual or a group, within the professional sphere, or among friends and family - aligning words with actions is essential. This alignment, or lack thereof, has the power to build, enhance, weaken, or dismantle trust, inevitably shaping the overall quality of these relationships.

"The toughest thing about the power of trust is that it's very difficult to build and very easy to destroy."
- Thomas J. Watson, former Chairman and CEO of IBM

So, what causes people's words to not align with their actions?

Here are some possible explanations –

  • A lack of self-awareness - Some people are, quite simply, not cognizant of the incongruence of their words compared to their actions due to an absence of introspection.
  • Speaking without careful consideration or thought - Think of those who might express intentions or commitments impulsively without considering the ramifications.
  • A compartmentalized life - These types of people may differ in behavior depending on the life compartment in which they operate at any given time. Some compartmentalize their lives to the point that they become unaware of their lack of consistency or congruity.
  • A desire to fit in - In certain situations, there is pressure to conform or meet the demands or expectations of others to be approved, accepted, or looked upon favorably. They may fear judgment or rejection, and their words or actions may contradict their true feelings, thoughts or values.
  • An absence of guiding principles based on defined values - Some don't have a clue as to their self-concept- who they are as a person, what they believe, and what their values are. They struggle with authenticity and consistency without a moral and/or ethical foundation to guide them.
  • The presence of cognitive dissonance - These people move the goalpost morally and/or ethically to accommodate or justify their actions when in conflict with previously firmly held beliefs or values, leading to a mismatch between what they say and do.
  • A deficiency in interpersonal skills - Some lack proficiency or attention to detail in communicating, including verbal, non-verbal, or written communication and listening. Miscommunication or misunderstanding can lead to confusion, conflict or distrust.
  • A lack of character - This is the worst-case scenario. People who lack character disregard moral and ethical values or behavior. They are deficient in empathy, compassion and humility. The ends tend to justify the means. In short, they have no integrity.

"I look for three things in hiring people. The first is personal integrity, the second is intelligence, and the third is a high energy level.
But, if you don't have the first, the other two will kill you."
— Warren Buffett, Co-founder, Chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway

Unfortunately, I have found it difficult to "coach up" those with significant character flaws. The only hope is that negative consequences, such as losing essential relationships, opportunities, material possessions, position, status, or reputation, bring about a desire and willingness to change.

However, coaching can empower clients to overcome other deficiencies or challenges, like those listed above, resulting in more effective leadership, stronger relationships, increased productivity, enhanced interpersonal skills, heightened credibility, and a more authentic, principled self-concept.

But it takes courage, humility and a willingness to introspectively examine your life and embrace change.

Hopefully, the following excerpt from Stephen M. R. Covey's book, The SPEED of Trust: The One Thing that Changes Everything, will challenge your thinking -

"There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy, and civilization throughout the world - one thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love. On the other hand, if developed and leveraged, that one thing has the potential to create unparalleled success and prosperity in every dimension of life. Yet, it is the least understood, most neglected, and most underestimated possibility of our time. That one thing is trust."

So, what if someone examined the wake you've left behind? Would they find a person whom they can trust?