Building a bridge

So, how do you handle a relational "stand-off" situation with an essential person in your work sphere - maybe a boss, co-worker, direct report or client; or in your personal life – with your spouse, parent, sibling, kid, or close friend? Or even with a group of people?

According to Collin's Dictionary, a "stand-off" is a "situation in which neither of two opposing groups or forces will make a move until the other one does something, so nothing can happen until one of them gives way."

Or it might be a "deadlock" or lack of progress due to a fundamental disagreement.

Or maybe one side feels offended, even if the offender's words or actions were grounded in truth or the person's best interests.

And when neither person makes a move, a chasm is created and likely widens and deepens as each person or side seems to dig in deeper.

It looks like and feels like a no-win situation.

And maybe that is the crux of the issue – the perception and acceptance of a no-win situation.

For the record, let me stipulate that I firmly believe there are times when taking a stand and even appearing somewhat obstinate is understandable and expected, especially when our deeply held principles or values are challenged. In my view, there are such things as non-negotiables in life.

But even then, is doing nothing the only choice? Is hoping the other side gives in or comes over to your side of thinking the only option?

I would suggest that it is often more style than substance that creates chasms between people. And such style might be anchored in the need to be right, win, or even protect a fragile ego. It might be based more on how we feel about ourselves or others' perceptions of us than the issue itself. For younger people, it may be their lack of life experience or maturity. It could be due to a lack of interpersonal or negotiation skills. Or it might be simply autopilot responses or reactions from deeply engrained behavioral patterns such as being passive-aggressive.

And, most likely, viewing the situation as a no-win is not the real problem. Ultimately it's all about not losing – losing the argument, losing "face," bruising your ego, damaging your perceived reputation, or feeling stupid. People would sometimes rather blow up the debate or blow off the other person than lose. And even if the other side surrenders, you are still faced with the old adage –

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

As a coach, my question would be, "How important is this issue to you?"

And possibly more crucial, "How important is this person to you?"

If neither is important, my question would be, "Then what are your reasons for discussing this in the first place?"

However, suppose the issue or person is important to you.

If so, please consider Habit 5 from Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

Consider setting your ego or emotions aside, and employ a reasoned, rational approach to look at it from the other person's perspective. And since we cannot know for sure what or why someone thinks or behaves the way they do, hearing it from them is an even better option.

So here are some steps to consider taking-

  • Set aside your perception that this is a no-win situation.
  • Be the bigger person and reach out to them. Meeting face-to-face would be the best option.
  • Ask the person to help you understand their perspective and feelings without challenging their thoughts or making comments, which puts them on the defensive.
  • Restate what you learned about their perspectives and feelings and ask if you have heard them correctly and feel you understand. If not, ask them to help you fill in the blanks.
  • If you sense an opening or openness, ask them if you could offer your perspective to them.
  • Present your perspective, preferably without attacking their perspective.
  • If they begin to challenge your perspective, ask them to please hear you out thoroughly first. Keep your emotions in check. Don't be defensive.
  • Ask them if they feel they understand your perspective and if not, fill in the blanks for them.
  • Assess any common ground and consider if a resolution or compromise is possible.
  • If you cannot resolve the issue, thank them for offering their perspective and listening to yours. One or both of you might need time to process what you have learned, which could lead to a resolution in the future – so it's best to leave the discussion on good terms.

By becoming the bigger person, you are engaging rather than simply sitting on the sideline or requiring the other side to make the first move. Frankly, some people are incapable of being the bigger person. Also, some are impossible to deal with, regardless of your efforts. And even if they perceive your move as a sign of weakness, you are not giving up your position. You are listening and showing respect by taking the time to understand their perspective.

So, if this sounds familiar, how important is it to you to bridge the chasm?